Tonight on my way home from browsing in a bookstore, the sun was starting to set over the Rathdrum prairie. I pulled off the road to watch the beautiful display of God's handiwork, and of course, to snap a few pictures. I have always loved sunsets. They always give me a deep sense that no matter what, God is in control, and He will take care of me. I needed the peace of that sunset tonight. I will admit, I was hit pretty hard a week ago by some very malicious lies and it knocked me down hard. The person who told these outright lies is someone I have known for numerous years, and the lies that she told, were a blatant attack on my character, my family, and my beliefs. The things said by her were very hurtful, but the most hurtful of the long list of lies she told, was the way she attacked me in my faith. I have felt for over a decade that when we are together there is a spiritual war going on. There are many details, but those aren't the point. The point I am making is that after reading what she said about me, the way she attacked me and my family and my faith, I was hurt, very down, and took a lot of her words and let satan use them to make me believe they were true. It's funny how insecurities can suddenly raise their ugly, unwanted little heads and not want to leave. My husband, a friend of mine, and deep down inside of me kept saying the lies weren't true, that I was a child of God, deeply loved, and that I was worthy, but my heart kept arguing with those points. I spent a few days really down. I was intentionally trying reading scriptures, listening to the sermon from Sunday which even applied to the situation (go figure!), and trying to get out of the hold of mean-spirited, negative, rude, hurtful comments that kept playing over and over in my head, continually. Coincidently, I started to receive email devotions on negative self talk, and how we take to heart what others say about us when we know it's not true, because God loves us, has a plan for our lives, and made us His masterpiece. I read the first three, but they didn't sink in. It was not a fun few days.
Tonight, however, as I was sitting looking at the sunset, I was also thinking of my Gram. I don't know why but on the way home, I was really missing her and wishing I could just pick up my phone and call her, but she's been living with Jesus for six years now, so I can't. As I was sitting on the side of the road, the song Fight Like a Girl by Bomshel came on my CD player, a song written in honor of my friend, Jenny, and her battle with cancer. If you don't know the song, I will post it below. I have listened to the CD's in my car numerous times, and have never heard that song come up. It's on a mix I made up to listen to for when my husband and I were taking dance lessons. I have no idea why this song was on there, because it's mainly Michael Buble music. Anyway, I shed a few tears as I thought of Jenny and how much I miss her, too. I was watching a beautiful sunset on the side of the road, snapping pics, and thinking of two beautiful women who touched my life. I hit replay, and I hit it again, and again. The words started to sink in. I felt like the little girl on the playground getting pushed around and made fun of by the bullies by the afore mentioned person. This is far from the first incident with her, believe me, just the most vicious one that I have had the 'privilege' to be a part of. I know from others she condemns me all the time, but I have not heard in person the extreme attacks, just get constant jabs and put downs, but not to the extent of what I experienced last week. Instead of like the little girl in the song, I ran to my husband and asked why she hated me. I asked God the same question. My husband is a mutual party in this. He told me not to let her bring me down, because I had worth, and she couldn't take it from me. My friend told me over and over in an email the same thing. But until tonight, I really didn't let God infiltrate deep into my heart, and make that a truth. Through this song about standing up and being strong, and not letting someone take the light out of your eyes, I finally let it go. I sat on the side of the road, with a beautiful sunset as a promise to me that it's ok, she doesn't need to control who I REALLY am. I know who I am, I am not the person she described and attacked. I listened to that last verse in the song that talks about my friend, Jenny....this is just another test that God gave me, and I know how to handle this..I'll hold my head high, never let this define me, or take the light from my eyes. I am working on standing back up and being strong, strong in the Lord, and not giving up, but knowing that through the love of Christ I can overcome this battle, and fight like a girl, just like Jenny did with her illness, just like my Gram did with all she faced in her life.
Along with the sunset tonight, God lovingly brought to mind two women who faced a lot of trials in their lives, yet kept going, looking to God through it all. It's amazing how God can work, if we take the time to slow down, even stop, and hear His message to us. I am glad I stopped tonight to enjoy the sunset. I am thankful for a song that reminded me of who I am, and that because of Christ, I can keep standing strong, and fight against the lies that satan tries to put in my head and heart, even when it's through someone who is supposed to stand with you, not against you. I am thankful for God bringing to mind Jenny and Gram, and how the more I listened to the song, over and over, the more I realized I needed to get the light back in my eyes and overcome the darkness that had crept in. I needed to start fighting like a girl, a girl who is secure in her relationship with a loving Heavenly Father, and I need to remember that, no matter what. So, as I finish typing this, I have a weight lifted off my shoulders. The words still sting, but I know that none of them are true. I have known that the whole time, but I haven't been able to shut off the continuous playback in my head, but I have tonight. I know who I am, and I am grateful that God reminded me tonight how much I am loved.
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10
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