Sunday, November 7, 2010

Oh What a Tangled Web My Thoughts Weave

Do you ever have so much to say that you actually end up with nothing to say because your mind is spinning in so many directions that it's not sure where to stop?  Have you ever sat down to write, and can't get more than one comprehensible line out because your mind is going 100 mph and your fingers can't catch up?  It's like spinning around on a merry-go-round, round and round you go, not sure where you will stop, or if you will just get dizzy and fall off.  Yeah, that's how my head is feeling right now.  My brain is on overload, and my thoughts are a conglomerated mangled mess running into each other.  

I am reading a couple books that are challenging me in a whole new way, personally, and in my walk with Christ.  Our pastor has been challenging our comfort zones as well, which is really good, but can get my mind working in overdrive even more.  How do you want to use me, Lord?  God says to be willing, and I am trying.  I am not good at waiting, so I am waiting for some guidance.  Evidently, there is something I am waiting for, and waiting on.  He will guide me as to what His plans are for me. I am waiting for a place to jump into ministry, but not sure where that is yet. I am sure He is using me, or prepping me, for somewhere to serve, it's just looking different than it ever has in my life, and I wonder as I wait to see the whole picture.  Maybe I won't see the entire picture of the past 18 - 24 months of challenges, hitting the wall, and new growth in my walk with Christ for a long time.  Maybe I won't see it until eternity. I do know, He's making me think different than I ever have, and He's making me be more dependent on Him, not me!

My thoughts also go to our niece and her husband who had a baby three weeks ago with some serious health issues. He will be in a children's hospital for awhile yet.  He has had tubes and monitors all over his little body. He is doing well, considering his rough start, but I think of them and pray for them.   I also think of another niece who gave her baby up for adoption a little over a year ago, and she longs just to know he's ok.  

I think of things going on in our country, our world. I can't think too much here, I have to just trust that God is in control.

 I think of friends and family, some who have overcome great adversity the past year, and others who are still going through some challenges.  I wonder how I can help.  I praise God for the good things in the lives of my family and friends. I think of how fragile life can be, and am thankful I have a Savior to walk beside me through this life. 

I think of how fast Christmas is approaching, and wonder where the year went.  I think of Thanksgiving and all I need to do before our family comes to share the day with us.  


I think of my pup, my nine year old pup, who is laying at my feet as I type this but who was very sick over the weekend. Thankfully, she is recovering and feeling better, but it was a bit scary for a few hours on Saturday.  I think of things my husband and I go through, good times, times of growth, times where we need to cling to each other a little more.  I think of my mother-in-law who has battled MS for nearly 40 years, and the daily challenges she faces, but how she refuses to give up and keeps going, even if it hurts or is hard.  

This weekend, I have really been thinking of my Gram.  She went to live with Jesus five years ago, and I still miss our daily chats.  There is a lady in our church who could almost be my Gram's twin.  I don't know this lady, and I am sure she wonders why I stare at her each week.  She has my Gram's face, but especially her smile, and I just want to go over and give her a hug, but I think if I ever did, once I learned her name of course, I may not let go.  One day, I hope I can tell her why she catches me staring at her each Sunday, but right now, I get extremely choked up just looking at this lady.  I already know that God brought me there, in that service, sitting across the row from a lady who looks like my Gram, for a reason.  He does all things on purpose.  It gives me comfort as I remember, and it makes me smile when she smiles because I see my Gram smiling at me.  It may sound strange, but somehow it brings me comfort.

My youngest niece turned 6 over the weekend.  We had a great time celebrating her birthday.  She looked so grown up.  I wonder what kind of world she and her sister will grow up in. I also have thought about another little girl who turned 10 the same day as my niece.  She is a sweet girl.  She had to send her mom, my friend, and many other's friend, to live with Jesus two and a half years ago because cancer came in and took her mom's life, but not her spirit.  Her spirit lives on in all who loved her, and in her sweet girl.  

These are just the beginning of my thoughts.  I think about the poor person reading this, trying to make sense of my thoughts.  If you made it this far, you are either someone like me who has a lot of thoughts bouncing around in their head, or you are totally confused.  I think a lot, usually quite a few things at the same time, as a matter of fact. My husband always asks me how I can do that.  I'm not much of a talker.  I read and I write, and I watch people.  I also listen and I observe a lot in life. Maybe not being much of a talker is  why I have so many thoughts bouncing off the walls of my brain, criss-crossing into each other, becoming a mangled mess.  I don't know, but I know that God wired me this way, and I have a friend who is wired a lot like me.  We write to each other in emails or texts and bounce all over, but know the other understands and didn't even notice, unless the other points it out.  

For now, I am going to try to quiet a few thoughts, and get some rest.  Thanks for reading my thoughts.  Thanks for sharing your prayers. 




1 comment:

Lori said...

Calgon and prayer go well together when your head is confused! Take some time for you:)

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