Walls

Walls.  I am surrounded by four of them in this room.  They hold up the roof, and keep it from crashing in on top of me.  They provide support for this house.  They also provide shelter and safety from storms.

Walls.  Walls can also be put in other areas.  The problem comes when walls are put up around the heart for the same reasons, shelter and safety, to protect a heart from more hurt, more pain.  I know.  I have a lot of walls up around my heart right now.  God  revealed that to me while I was praying during communion service last night.  Believe me, I know the walls are there to try to prevent more hurt right now.  There have been some things happen that caused a lot of hurt, a lot.  I was stabbed in the back by some people I trusted, those I thought were my friends.  I  let them in to the deep parts of my life, which I do not do very easily.  I found out  I was only in their lives to help them fulfill something and then I was gone.  I was left standing there, wondering what I did wrong to have them reject me, and I play that over and over in my head.  I am not trying to have a pity party for myself, please hear that.  Things like this happen.  Unfortunately.  But, I have put a lot of walls up to block the hurt.  I am extremely cautious with letting anyone in, even a tiny bit, to any part of my life. 

I had these walls up before, around eleven years ago, but through some healing in a church group we were in, I let them down.  I trusted again.  I didn't want to hide when I met new people for fear of letting them in my life, just to get stomped on.  I did a lot of healing, and it felt good, refreshing, liberating.  God brought people into my life for that season to help me.  God brought me to new levels in my relationship with Him.  I guess I am at the point I need to start over, again.  I am so glad I serve a God who allows do-overs.  The walls might take awhile to come down this time.  I think my heart trusted more this time, I loved more, and I was hurt deeper.  The walls might be thicker, but I need to go in and start hammering away, bit by bit, to bring them down. 

  The first wall I need to start with, is with God.  See, God revealed in my prayer time during communion, that I have put up so many walls, I have shut Him out.  I sat back in shock for a moment, and started to disagree, but then tearfully realized it was true.  I keep myself busy all the time so the hurt can't show up.  So busy that my time in God's word has suffered.  I pray, but not at a level I know I should be praying.  I think the past month, the walls have become more thick because it's hard to even enjoy worship music.  I love worship music!  So, today, it's time to start deconstruction.  It's time to start chipping away at those walls.  I am starting with the God walls, as that is the most important relationship I can have and if it's not right, no other relationships can be right in my life.  It's going to be a process, and more than likely some of those walls are going to fall on top of me and cause some pain, while others are going to be stubborn and want to stay there, but it's time to start.  I don't expect big, fast results because it's a slow process that will require time, energy, and probably a lot of emotions.  There will be days where I am sure I will want to stay in the safety of those walls, and find protection, but with God's help, I will bring them down.  With God's help I will find my protection in Him alone, in the blood of my Savior.  It's time to put on my hard hat, and start breaking down those walls, and move on with my life.